Hello. I’ve just started a blog, down below I’ll try to list the reasons why.

1. I’m starting a new adventure (living out of my truck) and it seems that this is a thing that people do in this situation.
2. Writing a blog allows me an excuse to spend more time in the library.
3. I have a fear of forgetting all my best thoughts, I hope by writing them down to finally prove to myself that they’re not worth worrying over.
4. The fourth reason is kind of long and doesn’t look good in a list so I’ll just write it down below.

The most important reason I wanted to start a blog was because I think I forgot who I was, and was starting to be afraid that I really wasn’t anybody.

I have always been a shy and inhibited person. I remember in preschool my teacher would have students stand in front of a mirror and give self-affirmations, “I did a beautiful finger painting”, “I have pretty hair”, “I didn’t eat any puzzle pieces today”. While I don’t remember what I said to myself, I’m sure I said something as I was a very rule abiding child, I do remember the long agonizing minutes of smiling awkwardly and staring at my shoes, unable to look my own self in the face and say something nice.

I have also always wanted to break away from that inhibition, to be someone freer and less filled with worry. There are two main ways I have seen presented to do this. The way movies, TV shows, and pretty much all humans show you how to do it is easy: drugs and alcohol. Now this is a very good solution in the short term, but over the long term alcohol makes me fat and I don’t have the balls to be a good drug addict.

The second way is the way everyone tells you to do it; just do it, just try, just fake it til you make it. This sounds very nice, but what people don’t tell you is that (1) its hard as fuck, and (2) the “making it” part is essentially just a mirage that is always just a little further down the way.

I fell hard for this second solution. I force myself to do all sorts of things I absolutely do not want to do, I’ve moved states, taken incredibly difficult jobs, gone on outdoor adventures, started Meet-Ups, and basically done everything possible to try to beat my personality into submission. I’ve discovered that if you spend your life trying to become someone else you will lose who you are (go figure) long before you find yourself to be someone better. It hasn’t all been bad, I’ve seen and done a lot in my life so far, but all this faking it has left me unable to tell what’s real about me anymore.

I want to get me back (or maybe for the first time). I want to know what I like and what I hate and what I really fucking think. I want to use this blog as a place to be honest and to find my voice. Sounds easy enough.

Here we go.

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. — A cup of my roommate’s that makes me feel both annoyed and ashamed. The cup also claims this is a quote of Oscar Wilde’s, but I don’t think that’s right.